This weblog has been around in one form or another for roughly ten years now (since 2008). At first, it began as a blog on wordpress.com — because it was free and I could post somewhat anonymously. I loved it. I decided to get a domain and start hosting my site myself once I started working again because I wanted to have custom themes, custom everything.
When I bought my domain and started sharing it with friends and family is when things really got crazy. I began having to defend my opinion to people that probably thought I was the worst person alive because of how I thought and felt. I didn’t care, blogging let me vent all of the frustration and anger I had towards family.
In 2009, one of the worst things to happen in my life happened — I was raped. Twice. By a relative. He began stalking my website and leaving harassing comments. I eventually blocked him from accessing my website. It didn’t stop other relatives from my side and his side from accessing it and relaying information and eventually ripped my whole family apart. (Intentionally via his threats, btw.) At any rate, I blogged about this and how I felt and it helped get me through. The distraction of coding and designing alongside venting my feelings — this was probably the only reason I didn’t kill myself.
Things were pretty normal and balanced and steady — I met my husband in 2011 and we got pregnant. I began blogging about that. Then I lost the baby. Then I blogged about that. Are you seeing a pattern here??
In 2014, my dog died who as my biggest love. A few months later, I was pregnant and depressed — but somehow, despite being told I would never sustain pregnancy, our daughter, Eleanor, was born in 2015.
In 2015, things got hairy. I couldn’t really blog or create anymore and if I did it wasn’t regular enough to keep visitors happy. I was tired of being a slave to the site and also having had been gutted to have the kid… I decided to blog when I felt like it.
And, here I am in 2018. It’s been the same rigamarole. Doing what I want, when I want, but now the baby is bigger and able to play and do things while mommy just watches. It’s actually lovely. I miss her being teeny, but I joke that she’s the perfect form of birth control lol.
I still hope to get my website back to his amazingness that he once had, but I’m not going to kill myself or feel terrible if I don’t get things out fast enough. It’s just not the tip top of my checklist. I hope I gain some followers along the way and that I can share my life’s experiences with people still, and I hope that you share with me as well!!!
So, hello darkness, my old friend <3