A couple quote graphics and an explanation!

Hi, everyone! I’m sorry that I haven’t been online updating my website in quite some time… I’ve been doing a lot of things for my new apartment and my mother-in-law. I’ve also been sort of in a rut in terms of creating things. I’ve been dealing with drama with friends and family. Just a whole lot has dumped on my plate all at once! So I decided that, in order to be able to keep up with my website, I will be making everything as “mobiley-accessible” 😂 as possible. Say that 10 times fast! And by this I mean, that I want to be able to create content from my phone whenever, wherever.

Eventually, I would like to be able to share with everyone the apps that I’m using in order to create everything via my mobile phone. I think it would be a really cool addition to my website as well as informative for my visitors. So please bear with me while I figure out this new mode of blogging and website keeping. Hopefully I can create some really cool content for everyone to used, share, and enjoy!

To start off… Here are a couple quote Graphics that I created on my phone. I hope you like them!

Feel free to share these on your social media websites. And if you would like to see something special, please feel free to request something via the comments! I hope you have a blast!

What am I doing anyway??

Hello friends. It’s been awhile. I have been trying really hard to remember to post, but… you know… life happens. Last night I was the lucky recipient of being chauffeured via ambulance to the emergency room due to my blood pressure being super freaking high. I mean, that bad boy was 198/109 when I got to the hospital! I was nauseated and dizzy — this was following a two-hour-long-cavity-filling-dental-procedure. My regular doctor thinks it was the epinephrine in the lidocaine shots that got into my system and that does make sense. It just sucked. I had to be stuck twice with an IV because the first one blew out my vein and then the lady took all sorts of blood but they didn’t even need it!!!

I’m good now and will be starting a new kind of blood pressure medication and hopefully that will help me out. On top of that, I’ve got all sorts of personal issues and worries and fears going on. It’s no wonder my heart is beating like a hummingbird’s.

At any rate, I am still here and still checking in — still trying to do things. Honest. Now I’m off to yell at my kid for not cleaning her room. I mean, I won’t yell but it could get ugly out there… in the trenches. :'(

Anger’s ugly second cousin that she had to take to prom: Depression.

I have spent such a long time living in this funk. I have been depressed for such a long time that I often times wonder if I’d recognize life without it. Like, would there REALLY be a difference? Is there such a life?

I beat myself up over my shortcomings as a mother quite a lot. I think I am horrible because my weight and size causes me to miss out or keep Eleanor from doing things. I can’t play on the floor for long periods of time. I can’t go to theme parks or fairs and ride rides with her because I can’t fit. I can’t be out for more than a couple hours at a time. In fact, if I am too overworked, but body LITERALLY makes me feel dizzy to the point that I fear I will faint. I fainted last summer and ever since I have been keeping an eye on my activities and signs. It was scary. Steve was asleep and I was alone with Elli. I came to with her holding my face, petting my head, and her saying, “mommy yew oh kay?” over and over. Then, I couldn’t move. Like a nerve or something in my back was pinched and I couldn’t move… it felt like burning, surging electricity.

I blame my life and my childhood for the way I am. If only I hadn’t been assaulted, harassed, bullied, and raped. Maybe I wouldn’t depend on food to fill the void in my heart — even though I know logically that isn’t possible. Maybe I could’ve stayed active and done more than just track for a season.

Well, flash forward to this day, I was feeling especially empty because Elli was at my mom’s and I always miss her when she’s gone. I had some school stuff to do and I wanted to give the apartment a good cleaning/put things in place. I felt empty and worthless. I watched 20/20 and Lifetime movies and period romantic dramas, and I got increasingly pissed off because of how women are treated and the audacity of some women to hurt their children or use their children — omg. I’m getting mad all over again.

The point of this post is that after watching this and feeling this emotions, I take a look around and I finally feel like I have a home. I have felt so unsettled for years. I have my first couch. I have a REAL family dining table (which is a big change from my first dining table — a card table). I am incredibly lucky, but I still feel like I’m worthless. I don’t deserve this happy life, or Elli, or to feel settled. WHY? What the hell is wrong with me that I don’t feel worthy?

Fly High, Rocketship!

This weblog has been around in one form or another for roughly ten years now (since 2008). At first, it began as a blog on wordpress.com — because it was free and I could post somewhat anonymously. I loved it. I decided to get a domain and start hosting my site myself once I started working again because I wanted to have custom themes, custom everything.

When I bought my domain and started sharing it with friends and family is when things really got crazy. I began having to defend my opinion to people that probably thought I was the worst person alive because of how I thought and felt. I didn’t care, blogging let me vent all of the frustration and anger I had towards family.

In 2009, one of the worst things to happen in my life happened — I was raped. Twice. By a relative. He began stalking my website and leaving harassing comments. I eventually blocked him from accessing my website. It didn’t stop other relatives from my side and his side from accessing it and relaying information and eventually ripped my whole family apart. (Intentionally via his threats, btw.) At any rate, I blogged about this and how I felt and it helped get me through. The distraction of coding and designing alongside venting my feelings — this was probably the only reason I didn’t kill myself.

Things were pretty normal and balanced and steady — I met my husband in 2011 and we got pregnant. I began blogging about that. Then I lost the baby. Then I blogged about that. Are you seeing a pattern here??

In 2014, my dog died who as my biggest love. A few months later, I was pregnant and depressed — but somehow, despite being told I would never sustain pregnancy, our daughter, Eleanor, was born in 2015.

In 2015, things got hairy. I couldn’t really blog or create anymore and if I did it wasn’t regular enough to keep visitors happy. I was tired of being a slave to the site and also having had been gutted to have the kid… I decided to blog when I felt like it.

And, here I am in 2018. It’s been the same rigamarole. Doing what I want, when I want, but now the baby is bigger and able to play and do things while mommy just watches. It’s actually lovely. I miss her being teeny, but I joke that she’s the perfect form of birth control lol.

I still hope to get my website back to his amazingness that he once had, but I’m not going to kill myself or feel terrible if I don’t get things out fast enough. It’s just not the tip top of my checklist. I hope I gain some followers along the way and that I can share my life’s experiences with people still, and I hope that you share with me as well!!!

So, hello darkness, my old friend <3

Idiot killed the internet site.

So I was thinking about getting rid of my websites altogether because I am exhausted with trying to maintain them and update them when I kind of, well, don’t care anymore. Like, it’s seriously a sad state of affairs over here.

Blogging used to be my outlet; it used to be the way I coped with a lot of crap going on in my life. I would blog about everything, every thought, and anyone I wanted. Becoming a mother has really made me put my whole life and the way I interact with other people into perspective. I don’t want Eleanor growing up hating people like I do, becoming jaded like I am, and being cynical when I know that the world can be a really magical place. I want to be someone that Elli can look up to and find strength in, find empowerment, a voice, and courage. I want her to be all of the things I never could be. This is a pretty standard thought for most mothers (and fathers), but I know all of the flaws that I have and the things I would change that I could. I have to have more patience when dealing with people, a more amiable disposition, and a more honest outlook for myself and others.

Of all the things I know that I have to change, I find my internet presence is one of the largest, most terrifying facets of my persona. I have been blogging for many years; roughly sixteen years to be exact. I was blogging before there WAS blogging and before there were blogging platforms. I have always been very candid and nonchalant about the things I have wanted people to know about my life. I don’t want the things I’ve said or the things I have done to fall back onto Eleanor because I want her to be her own person and not be ashamed of her mother.

This sudden change in my outlook has also spawned a sort of censorship. I don’t want to upset people and I don’t want to make statements that can be mean, hurtful, or just plain ugly. I don’t want to go to jail or be penalized for the things I have said or will say — so I try to be diplomatic and cautious with the things I write. This is mostly the reason that I have stopped blogging and only go through the motions.

While deciding whether or not to fully rid my life of my website, I decided to instead downsize the names/types of sites that I have. I have decided upon fhr.cloud because it is my name still (Fly High, Rocketship!) and I frequently used this address to access my stuff at home anyway.

I accidentally messed up something while on a double dose of Xanax and I cannot recall what I did — but it took me quite a few hours to pull myself out of that hole. (Thanks to A Small Orange for helping on their end, too!)

I will be posting content as I can because I have many, many life changes going on at the moment and I can only find “quiet time” every so often. Perhaps when things settle a bit, I will be able to commit a little more time to blogging.

Thanks for listening and reading. I know it wasn’t easy!